Come Saturday night, we’ll be walking back from trick-or-treating and the kids will be sugar-jacked out of their minds. Nobody’s eaten real food for the past six hours. Tantrums abound, made even more a disaster with the costumes getting in the way of their flailing.
“Alright, give dad all your candy. You’re cut off for the night, and I will protect the assets.”
The sort begins.
There are three piles:
The Kid Pile. The ones you hand back. Fine, fair. They did walk for it.
The Trash Pile. The stuff where you look at it and think, “There is no way my kid is putting this in their mouth.”
The Dad Pile. The ones you keep. For you. As tax.
I rate the usual suspects, secretly assigning the stash as the face paint fills the bathtub. This is going to be a long night.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
🐐 · Dad Pile
The king. GOAT status. It doesn’t matter what shape or size it comes in: cups, minis, trees, eggs, pumpkins. If it’s peanut butter and chocolate, it is king.
These don’t survive the block, much less the drive back home. As a dad of three current trick-or-treaters, I am comfortable pleading with a homeowner over a PB cup. It’s gold.
By the way, peanut butter and chocolate is the best combo in the world, right up there with peanut butter and grape jelly. Yeah, I said grape.
Strawberry jelly people can unsubscribe now.
Peanut M&M’s
The Weakness · Dad Pile
“My name is Ryan. And I’m addicted to peanut M&Ms.” I used to buy these five pound bags at Costco, and they wouldn’t last a week. Every Halloween, I get to cheat.
That yellow packaging is like a flag just waiting to be found. Maybe one notch down from the peanut king, but still great. The blend of salty, sweet, crunchy, and smooth makes even a mini bag worth some petty theft. And I swear each color has its own flavor.
And I’m not above eating the random ones at the bottom of the Halloween bag.
Tootsie Rolls
Why? · Kid Pile
Last year, my daughter came to me and said, “Dad, guess what? I got 17 Tootsie Rolls in four different sizes.”
“I’m so sorry,” I said, as I embraced her shoulder. “I love Tootsie Rolls,” she said with an eye roll and a push off. I’m not sure I’ve ever been this disappointed.
No offense to a confection first invented in 1896, the Tootsie Roll reminds me of molding clay, and it has about the same taste. Reliably the most underwhelming candy associated with Halloween.
Anything on a Stick
This Sucks · Kid Pile
Anything with a stick is just lame and boring. It adds a lot of heft and weight to the Halloween haul, but at the end of the day, nobody’s jumping across the room for a Blow Pop, a Tootsie Pop, a fill-in-the-blank Pop, or another knockoff Dum Dum. (Which is exactly how you feel after you have one.)
Leave it to the little ones. The sheer volume makes the bag feel heavier.
Licorice
Overrated · Trash
Controversial take: licorice is overrated.
Twizzlers might have a place at the movies. It’s something to gnaw on, like a dog with a bone, and it’s dark in there, so you can’t see what you’re eating anyway. It’s mindless. But as a Halloween treat? There’s just nothing there.
And if you happen to be one of the unluckiest children on earth, you’ll get black licorice on top it. Now you’re just disguising the taste of NyQuil as candy. That is an awful thing to do to children.
I’m going to put myself out there. I’m just not a licorice guy.
The Mint Category
Palate Cleanser · Dad Pile
You’ve got to give a shout-out to a whole category of candy built around the same concept as toothpaste.
Junior Mints and York Peppermint Patties are absolute classics. They will destroy your palate for the next five minutes, and yet somehow they oddly work when you want that little zip.
Dad tip: use them going from one candy to the next. Because, as we know from Junior Mints, they’re very refreshing.
The Great American Classics
Raising the Bar · Dad Pile
Any bar is good. But the great American classics, which are obviously your Snickers, Kit Kat, Baby Ruth and Milky Way, are constants. They just always work.
This is the only time all year I’ll eat a candy bar. And I’m kind of looking forward to it.
Candy Corn
🗑️🗑️🗑️ · Trash
Straight trash.
Two questions:
Where does one even go to purchase this?
What are we doing?
Small Talk
“Thanks for being my shoe chef,” said my oldest daughter to her sister while making Halloween cookies. Severed toes not included.
Loose Change
What’s up with kids and bananas? They always need help opening it, freak out over the brown spots, and leave the peel in a heavily-trafficked area like Mario Kart.
I miss Dutch Ovens. Nothing says “I love you” like making someone suffocate in your brand.
What candy are you stealing this Halloween?
See you next Thursday. Stay uncool. Ryan