My good friend Parker and his wife Carolina are expecting their first kid [*checks phone] literally any moment now. As I was recently reviewing their baby registry, I couldn’t help but reminisce about all the stuff. Swaddlers and soothers, jumpers and jam-jams, bouncers and blankets. What I know for sure is that once we came back from the hospital, we had a lot of crap we didn’t need and none of the things we couldn’t live without. I became friends with all the staff of our local Buy Buy Baby within the first few weeks. I’m sure they felt sorry for me each day, as I stumbled into the store looking like a caveman before falling asleep in the stroller aisle.
Back on the registry, I picked out the most sturdy pacifier (binky? paci? dummy? soothie?) I could find, checked out and mentally offered the best of luck to the new parents to be—because, damn, they need it. There are only two types of humans in this world: parents and people who have too much time on their hands. And as parents, we can’t help but wryly chuckle at the impending doom of a pregnant couple. They’ve read the books, taken the classes and asked far too many questions to their doctor. But nothing will prepare them for this sleep-deprived, poop-covered rollercoaster called parenthood.
And maybe we even secretly enjoy watching this from afar, like the wannabe Instagram model posing on the shore unaware of the massive wave hurdling toward her. It’s a badge of honor we’ve earned, the stories we can tell and the crazy kids running around to provide we didn’t mess up too badly. I’m not sure there is anything harder than raising kids, and every other accomplishment seems to pale in comparison. Just listen to the conversations at your next social event. “You just climbed Everest? Big deal. Have you ever changed a blowout in a moving vehicle using only Starbucks napkins and the shirt off your back?” We might have lost our minds, good looks, motivation, and sense of self, but that BPE (Big Parent Energy) keeps us going.
So for all the future parents, we’re excited for you to join the club. The membership is for eternity and the hazing is brutal, but you can drive in the carpool lane and eat cake for breakfast when no is looking. In the meantime, read a book, enjoy a nap, listen to music that doesn’t make your ears bleed. It will soon be just a dream, even if you’ll never get enough sleep to realize it.