"Alexa, parent my children, please."
If only the kids had an off button.
This is a definitive guide to the healthy amount of screen time for children. Nope. In fact, this is one dad’s perspective on technology being the greatest, worst, most helpful and most destructive parenting tool ever conceived. While my wife was pregnant, I stuffed my noggin with the most “expert” information I could find on healthy access to TVs, phones, computers, tablets and more. High def, on demand, touchscreen access with endless content was a continuous part of our daily lives, minute by minute. This was a staple of our generation, and now I needed to figure out how to avoid rotting my child’s brain without sacrificing my own immature need to doomscroll and swipe.
When I was a kid, all my parents had to worry about was TV. And we’re talking about 50 channels max (not counting HBO and the occasional porn network you could watch through static). Plus, you couldn’t actually choose what you wanted to watch. We were at the whim of the time, day and channel. It was all a big guessing game, outside of waiting 45 minutes for the guide channel to scroll through your options, three colorful blocks at a time. Jerry Springer and Maury Povich? Sure. Reruns of Law & Order: SVU with the same rotating plot line? Yep. Infomercials on the greatest kitchen invention since the George Foreman Grill? Let’s do it. Simply put, you had a finite number of viewing options. If you didn’t like them, go kick rocks (literally, or throw them). Screens occupied a fairly small amount of our attention span, and they certainly weren’t mobile. Living room, your friend’s basement, occasionally the massive TV strapped to a rolling shelf at school.
But today, screens are ubiquitous. Cars, refrigerators, toilets. Everything is smart, voice-controlled and ready to play the next Ozark episode at your convenience—whether you’re making breakfast or passing it in the bathroom (What?! Everybody poops.) And it certainly didn’t take long before my kid eventually locked eyes with the iPhone during tummy time. From there, curiosity turned to obsession. Pawing at the home screen like a playful cat became skillful swiping, pinch zooming and password hacking. Now I can’t remember when my girls didn’t rely on technology on the daily, seemingly live streaming their own birth for millions of their YouTube followers.
Does this make me feel like a bad dad? No question. But can we live without out? I’m not sure. I would like to think that parents have used the resources at hand to stay sane for thousands of years. From wooly mammoth bones and wooden blocks to Etch A Sketch and Ebay, the definition of toys have evolved. Yes, Blippi has probably taught my girls more than I have. Elmo’s provided guidelines on manners. And Daniel Tiger has led us through responsible masking and the COVID-19 pandemic. But I’m not ashamed. We’re not the family that boasts a TV-free househould as our daughters knit their own clothes and openly contemplate the Socratic method. Instead, we get through, by any means necessary. And sometimes, life gives you shortcuts and cheat codes.
The philosophy isn’t for everyone, and more power to the parent of the year nominees striving for perfection. I’m open to suggestions. Just tweet or tag me in your Tik Tok.